Taking the high road

How dare she leave the house like that!?

So, Jessica Simpson is fat. Oh, what is that you say? She was just pregnant! 

I try to write mostly about fashion - at least in an indirect way and this post was originally going to be about how Simpson said she was going to deliver in heels, then I read something on Us Magazine's website about Ms. Jessica taking the "high road"... AGAIN. I feel that this poor woman is always taking the high road. Why are people so mean to Jessica Simpson? 

Now, maybe she fits the "dumb blonde' stereotype a bit too well - there was the whole Chicken of the Sea incident - but that was years ago and hasn't she proven to be some kind of mogul? With perfumes and shoes and hats and bags? I had a friend who wore only Simpson's shoes because they were so great. And Simpson did that VH1 special: The Price of Beauty - which taught about what is viewed as beauty in different parts of the world. Now, if Jen Aniston did this she'd be voted president and given an award. But Simpson only ever gets dogged. She even slimmed down for a hot role in a film, but, still, after all this people are so mean to her. And it seems like for no good reason at all.

I'll admit her belly was huge right off the bat, but isn't it allowed to have something other than a cute baseball bump under your Herve Leger? Come on people! Get real. I understand we are living in a shallow, shallow world and that Hollywood is the kiddie pool, but hasn't it become extremely taboo to call a pregnant woman fat? I guess it was until Jessica Simpson got knocked up.

I held all my rage in throughout her pregnancy wanting to defend her and tell her personally to not worry about all the assholes. But I didn't until Us Magazine posted a picture of her "post baby bod" a few days ago on their website. I made the mistake of reading the comments - and people were actually angry with her for leaving the house like that. She had a baby like 35 seconds ago and she is back in the gym. That is an accomplishment, people. That is hard. I bet her vagina still hurts. Yeah, I said it.

At risk of sounding like Britney Spears' biggest fan I say: be nice to Jessica Simpson simply because there is not a reason to be mean. And it is nice to be nice. And she has an affordable clothing line. And she seems like she is a normal human being - who gains weight when they have a baby, and when they go through a divorce. A normal person who struggles with not eating dessert. A person who can't eat only lettuce (though me and Vicki B. are still BFF - don't get me wrong). And don't you dare tell me you've never asked your boyfriend a dumb question in your pajamas on a Sunday night. Isn't that refreshing and liberating to women? A successful business women, mogul and celebrity who has emotions and a slow metabolism! You'd think we'd be grateful.

This is clever, right?

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The year was 1999 and I was practically on my knees begging my mother to let me get my eyebrows waxed with my good friend Sarah. Sarah was a year or so older and allowed to do, what seemed like it at the time, everything that I wasn't. And that included, and filled my jealousy bucket to the max, getting her eyebrows waxed. My reluctant mother finally gave in. You've got to pick your battles, right?

We went after school and I had the $20 clutched in my hand. I had a plan to wax my upper lip as well - something I would never reveal to my mother. Sarah and I went to a nail salon in La Jolla. That is where all the mothers went to get their gel nails filled and french manicured. Sarah went first and when she came out of the room her face was bright red - especially so around her eyebrows and, of course, the dreaded upper lip. I began to sweat; rethinking my idea of getting hair ripped out of my face by hot wax and strips of cloth. I manned up and went into the room. Beauty is pain, right?

I emerged 20 minutes later a new woman. My olive skin tone did not allow for redness, my skin was resilient to the loss of several hair follicles. I had come out on top and I felt fabulous. My Asian esthetician with the incredibly soft skin had shaped my eyebrows all on her own - without any help from tools, Anastasia or the English language. I had no clue about shaping or which form best fit my face. I left happy and proud. 13 years later I have the exact same eyebrow shape. And I receive a surprisingly good amount of compliments on my shape and color. Completely unheard of, right?

I have been waxing my eyebrows once a month for 13 years. The estheticians and cities and countries have changed, but my shape has remained the same. I go into every new salon, demanding "JUST a clean up. I want the same shape" from every new "waxing lady" as I call 'em. Each time they comply willingly. Is this uncommon? Am I behind on the waxing or threading times? I think I am. I always hear girls out and about saying "Ugh my eyebrows are driving me crazy. I'm getting them reshaped next week. I'm getting them threaded. It is supposed to be AH-mazing, right?" 

Wrong. 

Threading is awful. Been there done that, right?

Look how eyebrows have changed through the times - from Kahlo's caterpillar-esque look to Stefani's barely-there-with-diamond look. What seems to be unchanged is the fashion world and great beauties of the world's love for thick and bushy brows. From Hepburn in the 50s to Shields and Fox in the 80s and 00s. Thick has always been in!

The twenty-teens are fast approaching and what will the eyebrow heavy weights blow our minds with. Bedazzled eyebrows of course. Thick, colored and bedazzled is the way to go. Just when you donated your bedazzler to the goodwill. Typical, right?

Right.