Taking the high road

How dare she leave the house like that!?

So, Jessica Simpson is fat. Oh, what is that you say? She was just pregnant! 

I try to write mostly about fashion - at least in an indirect way and this post was originally going to be about how Simpson said she was going to deliver in heels, then I read something on Us Magazine's website about Ms. Jessica taking the "high road"... AGAIN. I feel that this poor woman is always taking the high road. Why are people so mean to Jessica Simpson? 

Now, maybe she fits the "dumb blonde' stereotype a bit too well - there was the whole Chicken of the Sea incident - but that was years ago and hasn't she proven to be some kind of mogul? With perfumes and shoes and hats and bags? I had a friend who wore only Simpson's shoes because they were so great. And Simpson did that VH1 special: The Price of Beauty - which taught about what is viewed as beauty in different parts of the world. Now, if Jen Aniston did this she'd be voted president and given an award. But Simpson only ever gets dogged. She even slimmed down for a hot role in a film, but, still, after all this people are so mean to her. And it seems like for no good reason at all.

I'll admit her belly was huge right off the bat, but isn't it allowed to have something other than a cute baseball bump under your Herve Leger? Come on people! Get real. I understand we are living in a shallow, shallow world and that Hollywood is the kiddie pool, but hasn't it become extremely taboo to call a pregnant woman fat? I guess it was until Jessica Simpson got knocked up.

I held all my rage in throughout her pregnancy wanting to defend her and tell her personally to not worry about all the assholes. But I didn't until Us Magazine posted a picture of her "post baby bod" a few days ago on their website. I made the mistake of reading the comments - and people were actually angry with her for leaving the house like that. She had a baby like 35 seconds ago and she is back in the gym. That is an accomplishment, people. That is hard. I bet her vagina still hurts. Yeah, I said it.

At risk of sounding like Britney Spears' biggest fan I say: be nice to Jessica Simpson simply because there is not a reason to be mean. And it is nice to be nice. And she has an affordable clothing line. And she seems like she is a normal human being - who gains weight when they have a baby, and when they go through a divorce. A normal person who struggles with not eating dessert. A person who can't eat only lettuce (though me and Vicki B. are still BFF - don't get me wrong). And don't you dare tell me you've never asked your boyfriend a dumb question in your pajamas on a Sunday night. Isn't that refreshing and liberating to women? A successful business women, mogul and celebrity who has emotions and a slow metabolism! You'd think we'd be grateful.

This is clever, right?

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The year was 1999 and I was practically on my knees begging my mother to let me get my eyebrows waxed with my good friend Sarah. Sarah was a year or so older and allowed to do, what seemed like it at the time, everything that I wasn't. And that included, and filled my jealousy bucket to the max, getting her eyebrows waxed. My reluctant mother finally gave in. You've got to pick your battles, right?

We went after school and I had the $20 clutched in my hand. I had a plan to wax my upper lip as well - something I would never reveal to my mother. Sarah and I went to a nail salon in La Jolla. That is where all the mothers went to get their gel nails filled and french manicured. Sarah went first and when she came out of the room her face was bright red - especially so around her eyebrows and, of course, the dreaded upper lip. I began to sweat; rethinking my idea of getting hair ripped out of my face by hot wax and strips of cloth. I manned up and went into the room. Beauty is pain, right?

I emerged 20 minutes later a new woman. My olive skin tone did not allow for redness, my skin was resilient to the loss of several hair follicles. I had come out on top and I felt fabulous. My Asian esthetician with the incredibly soft skin had shaped my eyebrows all on her own - without any help from tools, Anastasia or the English language. I had no clue about shaping or which form best fit my face. I left happy and proud. 13 years later I have the exact same eyebrow shape. And I receive a surprisingly good amount of compliments on my shape and color. Completely unheard of, right?

I have been waxing my eyebrows once a month for 13 years. The estheticians and cities and countries have changed, but my shape has remained the same. I go into every new salon, demanding "JUST a clean up. I want the same shape" from every new "waxing lady" as I call 'em. Each time they comply willingly. Is this uncommon? Am I behind on the waxing or threading times? I think I am. I always hear girls out and about saying "Ugh my eyebrows are driving me crazy. I'm getting them reshaped next week. I'm getting them threaded. It is supposed to be AH-mazing, right?" 

Wrong. 

Threading is awful. Been there done that, right?

Look how eyebrows have changed through the times - from Kahlo's caterpillar-esque look to Stefani's barely-there-with-diamond look. What seems to be unchanged is the fashion world and great beauties of the world's love for thick and bushy brows. From Hepburn in the 50s to Shields and Fox in the 80s and 00s. Thick has always been in!

The twenty-teens are fast approaching and what will the eyebrow heavy weights blow our minds with. Bedazzled eyebrows of course. Thick, colored and bedazzled is the way to go. Just when you donated your bedazzler to the goodwill. Typical, right?

Right.

Can I Call you Vicki?

The one. The only. Victoria Beckham

Demi Moore

Jennifer Lawrence

Blake Lively

Michelle Williams

Viola Davis

Cameron Diaz

Victoria Beckham. Who has not heard of her? She is a former Spice Girl, turned footballer's wife, turned fashion designer. But she has always remained Posh - whether she is teetering 8 months pregnant in 6 inch Yves St. Laurent platform heels or eating arugula for dinner.

I think she is a fascinating woman. Mother of 4 with a waist the same diameter as a football (how quaint) and successful fashion designer. I have always thought she looked good, wherever she went she looked, well, posh, and clean and put together. Never cracking a smile or shown eating (except for the horrible arugula incident.) I have also wondered what goes on inside that head of hers. Now, I have been dieting for about 36 hours and ALL I can think about is food. When to eat; when not to eat; what to eat; what not to eat. It is a constant battle between my willpower and my waistline. And I have already almost caved. Twice. Today. But I did not waiver. I just had a tomato instead. Do you think this is how Ms. Vicki thinks or is she completely desensitized to desserts? 

Dress size aside she has accomplished a lot. Her fashion line is extremely popular and being worn by everyone from Blake to Viola, and making everyone else in between look damn good. Her silhouettes are sleek; she does not shy away from color and her cuts are usually form fitting and flattering. And from what I can see she is branching out to a little more quirky palate a la Jennifer Lawrence and the always fabulous Michelle Williams (a customer I never though Beckham would have). Truth of the matter is I seem to love all of Beckham's designs - from a tight, orange evening gown to a black and white shift dress.

I think we might be able to be BFFs - but only if she would eat a good forsaken cookie with me, but she'd have to wait til Sunday, because thats when I get my "freebie" meal (See, Vicki - You and I are not so different after all).

Now, just in case you resisted my first attempt here is another Posh Spice nugget of greatness. Just try to say no, then try not to sing along, then try not to slam it to the left.

On Angelina Jolie's leg and Shame

I was planning on writing about the Academy Award's red carpet, but the weeks just flew by and it lost its relevance. Something, however, that stood out (pun very much intended) and kept me smiling and thinking - unlike most of the red carpet fashion that night - was Angelina Jolie's leg.

Now, I have always been a fan of Angelina Jolie, yes, it may be a tad shameful. I buy magazines with her face on the cover and see her movies and wait with eager anticipation for her red carpet arrivals. Maybe that's more than a tad shameful... And when she arrived on the red carpet she, as usual, looked stunning.

Her hair and makeup are flawless, and she  makes velvet look lush and sexy and manages to erase the Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet (watch at your own risk) image out of my head. Which is not an easy task. Actually, voting to watch this movie in Professor Wallace's literature class still makes me ashamed. Not to mention it ruined my view on other things than velvet. (Trey MacDougal, anyone?)

It wasn't her dress or her make up or Dennis Hopper everyone was talking about minutes after her arrival - it was her stance. With her slim right leg bent and exposed. Clearly not by mistake and clearly all night long. Apparently it was so obvious and in your face that even an Oscar winner mocked the fabulous Jolie (How dare he!) All this and I still didn't notice her leg. Did I think all this leg bending and exposure was normal? Perhaps I did, and that, is the most shameful thing of all.

Coffee or Champagne

Angelina Jolie
Elie Saab 2009

Nicole Kidman
Balenciaga 2007

Mila Kunis
Elie Saab 2011

Hilary Swank
Guy Laroche 2005

Gwyneth Paltrow
Ralph Lauren 1999

Michelle Williams
Vera Wang 2006

The beloved award season is coming to a close this Sunday with the Academy Awards. May I be as bold to call it the Super Bowl for petty Us Magazine readers? If it was up to me I would have a champagne party every year - a party at which it were required to laugh and gasp and awe at the actors and actresses walking down the red carpet. But alas, I am living in Oslo, Norway, a town where it is apparently extremely difficult to figure out when the "biggest award season of the year" is on TV. And if it is like the Golden Globes it will be on practically in the middle of the night and I will be struggling to stay awake in my coffee stained pajamas... who is laughing and gasping now?

In true Oscar tradition I have decided to give my list of favorite Oscar dresses. They are in no particular order, but I do think Angelina Jolie's gown has to be one of my all time favorites. Everything was perfect: her makeup, the hair and those Lorraine Schwartz emerald jewels - they were fabulous. Next on the list? Michelle Williams' sunflower Vera Wang gown. So stunning, but not everyone will agree with my love for the gown. I might feel the same if it were on someone else, but on Williams it was perfection.

The Academy Award fashion eye is usually on the favorite for the award in the lead actress category. I am assuming Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady is a shoe in ( and deservingly so), but I want Michelle Williams to win - for no other reason than I think she is fantastic, and goddamn ballsy to play Ms. Marilyn Monroe. Rooney Mara is an up and comer whom I find quite dull. It is always the same glum look and pasted on black as night hairdo. Boring and predictable (here is hoping I am wrong).

Whatever designer dress is on whichever actress I know I am going to have a blast - whether I am glamorously fresh drinking a champagne cocktail or stained and tired holding a lukewarm cup of coffee.  Whatever I am wearing I will be making judgmental and sometimes mean thoughts on whether the actresses (and their gowns) should be out drinking champagne or just sitting at home with some coffee of their own.

I wouldn't if I could... I think

Jessica Biel

Kiera Knightley

Leighton Meester

Some might say that these dresses look like something you’d find in your dead great-grandmothers attic. Something smelling of cat pee and covered in mothballs. If I found one of these Couture gowns (especially the Valentino) in my grandmother’s attic I think I’d die  - No, not of grossness, but of fabulousness. Maybe that is how my great-grandmother died?

I am not sure if these gowns are on my favorite dresses of all time list, but they are all stunning. Kiera Knightley received mostly rave reviews for her Valentino gown she wore to the Venice Film festival last year. People were astonished by her ability to look gorgeous all the while not showing an inch of skin. And truth be told she looked majestic.

Jessica Biel was not greeted with the same enthusiasm for her look a like Elie Saab gown. Is it because it was after Knightley had already rocked the look? Or was it not matronly enough; or not sexy enough? The sheer lace and champagne color made the dress seem light and airy, and her tousled hair was a nice laid back touch and quite the opposite of Knightley’s stern bun. I though Biel looked great, she didn’t look tutty-fruity, but like a serious actress attending an award show.

What completely went by my fashion radar was Leighton Meester’s 2011 Burberry Golden Globe gown. Painfully similar to Biel’s gown and just a tad more wearable than Knightley’s Valentino gown.

Is this going to be a new trend, nude fully covered gowns? I don’t think so. I am not even sure I’d wear one. But this is why fashion is such harmless fun: seeing rich, famous, beautiful people look better than you ever will in clothes you could never afford. But what is even more fun is watching rich, famous, beautiful people looking horrible in ugly clothes you could never afford, but even if you could – you wouldn’t.

G is for bark...

Inspiration?

Usher

Rhiana

Kanye West

Liv Tyler

... no it isn't. G is for Givenchy. Designed by Riccardo Tisci this rottweiler t - shirt has doned the back of everyone from Kanye to Liv. Causing several high end retailers to re-order shipments of this edgy tee. Retailing at $265 this is no impulse buy for the regular consumer, yet it is sold out.

Debuting in the fall 2011 collection I have seen this t- shirt in many magazines and on many celebrities. Now, what makes this 100% cotton t-shirt so special? Who cares - it is cool, and I can think of 15 different ways to wear it. I know I want one. Am I jumping on the over-priced fashion label bandwagon? So sue me - I'll be searching e- bay for an old sweat - stained one I might be able to afford. Hell, I might even get lucky and Old Navy will make a knock off. A girl can dream can't she?